happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Come share oat with me in your robe
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
