Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
