Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I want to be your penis for a week.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize