Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My ass is underappreciated
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
