I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
