He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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