Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
