yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
