did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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