Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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