He passed out mid-signature
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
