I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
