I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
