She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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