I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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