she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
