she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
