Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
