dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
