remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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