Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
