I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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