meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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