I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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