One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?