i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure