Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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