theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
