just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
