I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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