I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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