listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
