Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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