i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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