Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
