I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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