spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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