I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He has the fingertips of a God
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
