The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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