God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
