hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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