You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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