when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Randomize
