So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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