the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just found puke in my bra..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
