I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
