I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
