Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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