I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
