Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
