never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there was a trapeze. enough said
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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