dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
