need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
