I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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