I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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