my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
