does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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